A new way of being and living to preserve our fundamental humanity

In the beginning…

Step by step, as I liberated myself from damaging influences, I uncovered a new way of being and living. The more I reclaimed my freedom and clarity, the more my path became visible, inspiring me to guide others along their evolutionary paths.

I grew up in Teulada, a small village on the beautiful island of Sardinia, Italy. I was in my early teenage-years when I began to suffer from a binge-eating disorder. People thought of me as a kid who loved eating and that my excess weight would disappear when I grew taller. It didn’t happen. And nobody in my family understood that I had a serious problem.

I ate to satisfy my longing for love, I ate to fill in an emptiness in my heart, I ate to quiet the scream inside for thinking that I wasn’t good enough to receive my mother’s love. She didn’t want to have children because she knew she wasn’t ready for it. At that time, I wasn’t aware of what drove me to eat so much. I craved more, and the more I ate the worse I felt. In secondary school I was bullied because I was considered fat and ugly. I had a very low self-esteem, and nobody in my family understood that.

When my father died, I felt as if the floor fell out from under me. Suddenly the realization hit me that something important had been missing all along, and now I would never find it. We hadn’t had a good relationship because he was devoted to his job and never took the time to be with me, to create a bond, and to guide me through life.

My love for him was not reciprocated and I, unconsciously, suffered a lot for this. His distant behavior made me believe that I wasn’t worthy of his love. This not only hurt me deeply but convinced me that I wasn’t worthy of the love of anybody else, especially men. When he died, my binge eating turned into bulimia and again, I was left alone with my sorrow, not knowing what to do with my life.

My awakening and the beginning of my evolutionary process

But my father’s death also marked another turning point in my life. It was then that I began to see things as they really are, to understand the real reasons for my problems. They were not my choice, as I was made to believe by my parents and other family members. Because, let’s be real: nobody is so stupid to choose to hurt themselves.

Now I could clearly see the connection between past events and present experiences, that all these events in my life were manifestations of a toxic emotional inheritance from my family—a toxic combination of thoughts, beliefs, inclinations, including the predisposition to trauma, and the past traumas caused by my parents’ unhealthy behavior—and that I had no control over that inheritance until I woke up. Once I gained this insight, so simple but so central, I began to work on myself, discovering a new and conscious way of being and living.

It was a step-by-step process: I faced the challenge, became aware of the root cause, and eradicated it. First, were eating disorders. Besides understanding the family influence that caused them, inherited traits and traumas caused by my mother’s unhealthy behavior, I also realized that my troubled relationship with food was made worse by the narrative of the System that manipulates our behaviors. It was about the image of an ideal female beauty that in that period was incarnated by a tall, thin blond woman. This image triggered the pain of my emotional wounds, like my low self-esteem, and the inherited inclination to eat to compensate for a lack of love and to suppress painful feelings.

When I liberated myself of the toxicity of my family and of the damaging influence of the System that caused eating disorders, I recovered from bulimia. The belief that there must be a new, different way of being and living became stronger, shaping the way I approached every aspect of my life. My body regained awareness of its own needs and now guides me in my eating to stay healthy—what, how much, and when.

But another tough challenge was waiting for me: domestic abuse. I spent ten and a half years in a relationship with a narcissistic psychopath. On the very first day of our relationship, I felt as if a hand wrote on my stomach, “he is not for you.” My intuition was warning me of danger, but because inside my heart there was something stronger than I was, the toxic inheritance of my family history and of the System, I allowed it into my life.

During those years, while suffering under terrible circumstances, I worked on myself and understood that I inherited from my mother, and especially from my grandmother, the inclination to attract narcissists. Therefore, weighed down by a history that wasn’t really mine, I experienced domestic abuse. My father’s emotional unavailability fueled that experience: I realized that in my relationships, I searched for a father who loved me. No wonder I attracted men that, like him, were emotionally unavailable!

Besides that, I understood that I had been influenced by the System to believe that women are victims and men perpetrators. We women are put in a state of victimhood and loaded with a sense of guilt that makes us stay in unhealthy relationships. By understanding that women and men are both victim and perpetrator, and that guilt is a powerful instrument to control human consciousness, I began to liberate myself.

Also, the circumstances around me started to support my decision to leave my partner. We separated and got back together three times until I finally freed myself from the last internal cause. And then it was he who decided to leave me. I was better, ready to be free, and he felt it.

I was finally liberated! Or was I?

With a lot of enthusiasm, but unaware of unresolved emotional issues, I decided to relaunch my life. Next to my professional goals, I wanted to get in shape again, and decided to join a body recomposition program. I like to work out with weights and doing such a program would help me improve. So, I contacted several nutritionists and personal trainers, but was especially attracted to one in particular. Guess what? Another narcissistic psychopath. I was vulnerable and fell into his trap.

Despite telling him my story and about the health problems I had just recovered from such as hormonal imbalance, he put me through an extreme program used by bodybuilders to lose fat, and heavy workouts that in only four months made me collapse.

I was pushed into menopause with violent symptoms, had hot flashes as if I was burning 24 hours a day, sharp, stabbing pain in my head and electric shocks in my brain and body, had to urinate constantly, and suffered from insomnia. Was my life over? I pushed through the most difficult period of my life, four years of intense physical and emotional pain and suffering while navigating a daily routine and trying to hide my suffering as much as possible.

Nevertheless, at one point, it became so unbearable that I thought of taking my life. Then a miracle happened! One of my personal contacts saved my life by offering me a vacation in rural Spain. I began to recover and experience the joy of living again. I had a mission to accomplish and couldn’t just die, right?

Even though my health improved, I still experienced setbacks due to the incompetence and neglect of my gynecologist and neurologists. I didn’t know it at the time, but found out later from a personal contact that, despite the hormone replacement therapy, I still had low estrogen, causing neuroinflammation with all the consequences I described previously. A generational curse again? No, it was another damaging influence of the System that too often hides in professions that very few would question.

The body recomposition program led me to manifest other generational toxicity—my mother suffers from insomnia and so did her mother. They predisposed me to develop the same problem. And so, I did. The System added fuel to the fire.

Unlike my mother and grandmother, I didn’t resign myself to living in pain, accepting medicines to cure symptoms, or going to psychiatrists that would put me under medication unnecessarily, with all the consequences such treatments have. Instead, I fought for my right to be healthy, confronted the doctors, found the cure for my problem in a higher dose of estrogen and natural anti-inflammatory, and reclaimed my life, and embraced a conscious way of being and living that honors my body, mind, and spirit.”

In my next blog post, I will discuss how evolving into a New Human Being can lead to a constructive and healthy life free from harmful influences.